"by your side" -tenth avenue north

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)




woot woot aye?

faith

been thinking about faith lately ... and how small mine really is. i listened to this sermon the other day which described faith as banking on the promises of God. ... like really trusting in them to the point that my actions and decisions declare them to be true. as i stumble around in what seems like transition after transition, sometimes i feel like this isn't how it was supposed to ... or why does He give and then take away ... or am i really in the right place ... or what's the future hold for me. seems so silly because if i trust He is who He is there wouldn't be anxiety or bitterness or fear or anger.

He loves me
He is good
He works all things for the good of those who love Him
He started sanctifying me and He won't stop-and how great is it that He transforms every part ... even the very depths of my heart and emotions
He is in control and can see the whole picture instead of the tiny part i can see
i dont have to have it all figured out ... and it will still be ok
He has the desire and the power to make things work out for His glory ... even if it's not the way i think He is most glorified
He provides all i need ... even relationally
and the list goes on .........

oh that He would increase my faith

a job or beyond

i got to go to a seminar today at work ... evidently every friday from 4-5 there's a seminar for anyone in the animal science department. i was surrounded by professors and grad students listening to this prof about a genetic line of hogs that are more feed efficient than most. it made me think a lot about what i want from ... this job has a lot of potential if i want it. it could just be a job or it could lead into grad school and beyond. perhaps i don't need to know now but it all makes me wonder ...

what do i want?
what does God think about the word success?
why would i want to go above and beyond?
do i want to make a name for myself?
is it something i will enjoy?
what does it mean to glorify God at work?
does this have eternal significance?
perhaps it's not so black and white ... so what does that look like?

i guess it's good that i don't have to have it all figured out ... but sometimes i'd like to.

healthy community

for the first time in awhile i actually have the desire to be in deep, intimate relationships again. beautiful! ever since i saw some of my college friends over christmas break (and perhaps ever since i graduated in may) i have been in a mood that makes me want to lock myself in my room and hope that somehow time would reverse and all would be the same as it was in college. in the back of my mind i was like ... perhaps i should hang out with people because it can't be good to live without people ... but i couldn't really convince myself why i would want to hang out with people and have them try to fill the void of my old community. i listened to this sermon on healthy community and God used it to change my thinking a bit ... not that it won't be hard to continue transitioning out of college and into this next phase of life, but it was encouraging and convicting all at the same time. ... i love it when that happens.

if you want to listen to it it's called "healthy community" at http://www.cdomaha.com/resources_list.php?catid=mostrecent. (oh and under the category "The God Who Is" the one about Free Will is one of my favorites).

the sermon points out two unhealthy places we can be in with community ... 1. we are not responsible at all for our own sins because the community around us is responsible 2. we are not to help bear the burdens of others at all. unfortunately i am familiar with both places.

it's not just nice to live together in community, it's part of the gospel to live in community. the gospel shapes a community where we are all individually responsible for our own sin, but we are also to be interacting at a level where we know what is really going on in the lives of others and we are in a journey with to gently walk through sin with each other. we are all in the same boat and it's sinking fast. it's sad but true that we fall into comparision instead of realizing that we all have sin but it just manifests itself differently in different people. the sermon mentioned how comparision kills community ... instead of remembering how we need to remember that we are all in deep need of Jesus and all that i have and am is a gift from God. comparing myself to Jesus is good ... and to others is bad. :)

i think it makes me excited to step out of the closet and into community (even if it looks different and isn't with the same people as it has been in the past) because that's the way it's intended by God to be. that's how He transforms us ... into healthy community. healthy community is what the gospel creates!

check out the life of Jesus too!! ... Jesus bore my burden on the cross and He bore His own load by living in full obedience to God!

hopefully people hear the gospel proclaimed AND see it played out in community.

i think life is so much more about Him transforming our hearts to be who we are intended to be instead of us trying really hard to become what we were intended to be. oh the beauty of the gospel! All glory to God

job hunting part 3

well ... i got a long awaited call this morning for a job offer. i start working at ISU Jan 12th. it was pretty certian i had the job, but now that i have it ... the crazy emotions were given permission to come out.

let the adventure continue ......

deep longings of my soul

it's been an interesting few days. i've had some deep longings that have actually brought me to a place of many tears and of great joy. joy is something that i have desired and with much energy tried to figure out how it works and how i can get it for well over 3 years with the conclusion that i can't just try harder to get it. (once again i am reminded that sanctification is by grace alone, freely given, undeserved) there have been short periods where i've tasted it ... and yesterday and today have been one of those beautiful periods. and these short times in the midst of a not-so-easy time in life reminds me that God's grace is much more beautiful then i ever knew and the pain is worth it. the pain it takes to transform me into the daughter of christ that i am. the pain it takes to rip idols and sins from my life. the pain of entering into a new stage of life and leaving behind another. the pain of relationships. the pain of waiting 2 months of being unemployed. the pain of living in a fallen world and being a sinner myself.

deep longings of my soul ....
for God to open my lips to praise Him once again
to love deep thought provoking conversations
to wake up in the morning and have God be the first thing on my mind because He truly is the lover of my soul
to be excited over things my friends are excited about
to be involved in a community pursuing hard after christ
to have great joy in knowing God which glorifies Him
to love and have passion
to find great delight in digging the word as i used to
to (even as i am honest about my current feelings) have my emotions be transformed to align with the emotions of jesus and the people of the psalms and the rest of the bible
to no longer battle with depression (how long oh Lord?)... and yet praise Him even if it lasts the rest of my life

the fact i don't have these things isn't fun ...but the reason i have joy is that i know that these deep longings are only produced from a transformed heart. and a transformed heart is only produced by God himself ... and therfore God has begun a work in me and has promised to continue.

i can't make myself have joy (or any longing of my heart either) ... no matter how badly i want it. but following Christ has to be less about me trying harder and more about me surrendering to God. less about me and more about Him. less about me earning love and rigtheousness and more about His mercy and grace and love and the cross-a demonstration of His love and the only way for sinners to have righteousness.

all glory and praise to my lord and savior... who saved me and continues to save me daily