ok ... tough decision

so i quit my job and i'm moving back to ames ... some people are asking what? why? when? how did that happen?? so i thought i'd try to lay it out here. not as if everyone has to get it or has to agree, but here it is ...
over the past couple months i've been working at mosaic community development in omaha, nebraska as an americorps vista (think peace corp in america). i came into a nonprofit with 6 other people passionate about serving the poor and homeless relationally with the end goal of sharing the gospel and bring holistic healing in people's lives. sounds really great ... is really great, but earlier this year they restructured all their programs ... a good thing, but from my opinion they weren't ready to hire someone for my position. i came on as the grant writer and fund raiser. i didn't know what i was doing, but was slowly learning. the goal would be to raise enough funds that sometime in the future they can pay staff instead of using vistas who are young and inexperienced. the more i got into it, the more i realized maybe this isn't the right place for me. i'm continuing on this journey of learning about emotions and what it means that God gave me passions and desires and made me unique. i started looking back in my past and seeing how i never make decisions based on what i want or what i'm passionate about but rather on what i should do to be a good christian. it's hard to explain because it's been a long journey of living and learning throughout years. maybe i'll just add some journaling i've done in the last couple of days.... (there's a lot and maybe it doesn't all make sense, but i made a decision and hold tightly to the promises that i am deeply loved by God and He will continue to sanctify me no matter where i am or what i do)

why do i want to quit? maybe i don't fit (like God given talents and the way he wired me and who he created me to be and figuring that out ... following my heart ... like the one he's transforming hopefully, not the one that's sinful), too much ambiguity, thinking it was stupid for them to hire me
why don't i want to quit? community (it's already started and i don't want to start over-he gave and he's going to take away and i'm not ready for it), learning new stuff from God (hopefully that will happen anywhere i'm at ... not like a nonprofit or overseas if more holy), pushing through challenging stuff (glory to me not to Him), not being a quiter (reputation), having a good reference (reputation), not looking bad, not saying no to christian, it's hard (but the next could be hard too)

so ........my heart's desire is to quit. trust in the lord and he will give the desires of your heart... is this way out of context?? when else have a felt something this deeply and done it and it was good ... or not done it and it was bad. funny thing is i don't remember many (any) times where my heart's desire was this strong and i actually listened. so manytimes i'm like oh i should do this and try harder and make myself fit into a box and stuff ... and it's always turned out with less joy and more wrestling with duty not delight and prideful thinking wiht oh i should be here because it's holier and stuff like that.

something that unfortunately sounds so disney like .. following your heart. because the whole bob's talk about free will and how i'm free to do good because myheart is changed instead of having a free will to choose good ... i am unable to choose good without the changed heart behind it. i can't force myself to do good. so the deep desires of my heart ... and what it would look like to actually follow them. instead of fight against them "in the name of obedience and doing God's will". what does it look like to lay down self will?? is that more in character and not vocation?? but i feel like it all has to change. but if thinking missions overseas or nonprofits here is better because i'm being more obedient is really going down a wrong prideful path. and everyone can't be overseas ... and everyone can't be in nonprofits or pastor or in college ministry ... thjat would not be the ideal we strive for. so ... is it then ok to "follow your heart's desires" for example ... go into some science field and be a transformed new creation and live missionally at work and in the neighborhood. what about the word intention???

what about being intentional and strategic in life and living missionally??? i feel like these are good things ... i went on a summer training for overseas missions and they kinda "brainwashed" us (if i can use the word) that if you don't go overseas to an unreached people group you are disobeying the bible. they hate individual calling ... and biblically back up how we are all called ... and we should go unless we have a specific call to stay. overseas mission is goood and important, but seems pretty prideful to say i'm obeying the bible better because i'm going overseas or something. that's kinda how lots of things have been in my life ... just figure out what's the best way to obey ... and do it whether you like it or not. obedience is good and right ... that's the tricky part ... but God also made us emotional beings ... which i have pretty much disregarded most of my life.

i've done so many things and never "listened to my heart" (sounds so disney ish) because it's all been more about obedience and trying to figure out everything logically and what's the best. it's always been try harder to be who God wants me to be (some unattainable idealistic person) instead of being who he created me to be. i don't know if that makes any sense ... but i've had the attitude of who really cares what i want because it's about what God wants .... not realizing/believing that God gave me wants and passions and desires. and i don't know what that looks like ... but the whole round peg in a square hole really resonated with me. maybe i'm more free to do what i want ... i don't really know how the whole denying self and not being self centered thing fits with this and all.