twas the night before halloween ....

so this is the pumpkin i picked out from the random ones out on the front step

my very creative face

oops!

much better ...

oh happy pumpkin

joleen with her pumpkin

mazie

dog still without a name

this is tony ... joleen's son ... his turned out way cooler than mine, but can't win them all

so happy pumpkin carving to you all

(and if you know a better way to add pic to this thing you should let me in on the secret)

the dog that greeted me when i got home

so i got home and there was a boston terrier there. no big deal ... my landlady has been talking about getting a dog since before i moved in... just so happened it actually happened when i was in ames. now, you would think since i have an animal science degree and all i would have been the most excited person ever to have a dog live with me and yet not pay for it or have a million responsibilities with it. well, my heart is full of sin ... even when it comes to cute dogs. he is cute and doesn't have a name yet, but then there's the drool and peeing on the carpet and shedding and dog food and dog smell and some pesky thing always wanting attention when i just want to be by myself and all... my initial reaction really made me think. is this the way i look at all relationships? or even my relationship with God? like oh it's dirty and messy and inconvenient ... instead of this is something to love and care for and enjoy spending time with and get emotionally attached to and take long walks with and stuff. what is wrong deep down in my heart when i see a dog as an annoyance instead of companion ... not as if everyone has to love dogs, but i used to. and now i have to be in the "right mood" to love dogs.

so we'll see how this goes ... i pray that God would use this as a teaching experience ... and that i would be teachable and excited for the journey God has me on.

weak and wrong

happens as if i hate to be weak and i hate to be wrong. i love to be known as the farm girl or the rock climber who is strong and can help in whatever situation ... or the person who's strong enough to have it all together in life. i love studying and having the right answers ... in everything ... theology, chemistry, farm life ... okay so i'm far from having all the right answers in politics, but you can't know it all ... :)

reality is ... i am weak and wrong in all aspects of my life. it's quite a painful thing to realize and i have been coming back to it frequently ... i can't free myself from sin, i can't be good, i can't change my desires, or know what i'm doing at work or figure out everything the bible says or how to be a christian (if i did figure it out -which i can't-i wouldn't be able to achieve it), i can't love people, i don't have it all together, i'm far from knowing all the right answers, i do cry and cuss and desire to give up on this whole christian thing or quit work and throw in the towel, i get to the point of life seeming too hard and my solutions of tv, ice cream and sleep never solve anything.

and by the grace of God i must come back to His mercy and love. i am weak and wrong ... but His son dying is the only solution i've got ... so here i am begging for mercy once again. mercy that He would transform me and give me new desires...mercy because this is all so hard for my sinful nature to swallow and i am such a slow learner. praise God for His patience and love and mercy and that He alone has a solution to my problems.

sometimes (way more often that i'd like to admit) i find myself worshiping the law instead of God. but the law doesn't have power to save ... it only has power to show me my sin (and that it does) and my desperate need for Christ to save me. He is the only solution i have ... but it's a hopeful one! and perhaps that's where joy comes in ... this solution has hope - now if only i could remember this for more than a few minutes (good thing there's grace for that too)

relationships

some things lately have made me think a lot about relationships ....

working at a place where everything is centered on building healthy supportive relationships-i go to work and try to get my mind half way wrapped around this concept of affronting relational, emotional, and material poverty through building relationships with people who will walk through life with them ... all quite thought provoking

moving in a place away from all close relationships i've had-there's a void that hasn't been like "oh i'll see you after the break or when i get back, etc"... when i came to college i didn't value relationships at all ... i was to full of fear of failure so after leaving high school it wasn't really good bye

spending more time looking at facebook pics of people i know and love ... oh too much free time can be crazy-i can look back and see how God has grown me and how people have intersected my life and how i have intersected theirs ... makes me want to speed the process of relationship building here

earlier this week i had this deep feeling ... it's a feeling i've felt before, but not recently ... homesickness-it was a deep longing to see my parents and my grandparents and my aunts ...people i know and love and people i who know and love me and people i want to know and love more



so it's good to know God is changing me ... and even better to know He's not stopping placing people in my life...i look forward to seeing relationships unfold in my life. each one is different and unique and a gift from God