job hunting ... part 2

so i had an interview today with dr. patience for this research assistant job. since he's new he didn't know all the details, but is just finding out what the hiring process looks like ... he said if it's up to him he'd hire me today, but it just can't work like that. he has to

1. post the job opening on the ISU employment website
2. it has to be on the web 15 days
3. interview any/all qualified applicants (yes i will be interviewed again)
4. then hire! (jan 15ish by the time it's all done)

the good news is he wants to hire me ... and is going to write the job description tailored to my experiences and stuff ... (i think all but the short and blond part)

the bad news is i still have to WAIT ... and there is a possibility that someone more qualified could apply. he could choose me, but if there's someone more qualified it would be questioned why that person wasn't hired.

so all said and done ... my future is still unknown ... but in the hands of the sovereign God -and He can do as He pleases

TO BE CONTINUED

job hunting ... or not so hunting part 1

so quitting my job and moving in with sylvia in ames leaves me ... unemployed. funny how that works huh? it's actually been a good break ... fun times hanging out learning what it means to be a friend, times at home with family, thinking and reading and discovering more about myself, and hunting for jobs. but perhaps the word HUNT doesn't apply for this story. sylvia's dad knows this animal science prof (ya ya works out well since i have an animal science degree) at iowa state. so when they ran into each other in a stationary biking class at the gym, her dad got his name and info for me. i called and set up an appointment to chat with dr. timms ... a dairy prof. so i don't know much about dairy ... it's interesting and would like to know more, but don't. i didn't even know he was a dairy guy until i met him. the conversation went kinda like this ...

timms: so i don't have any positions, but getting a job is all about networking and knowing people, so i thought i could help
me: cool, thanks
timms: how did you get here?
me: [long story mentioning fort dodge, home, story city, omaha, homelessness, grant writing, etc]
timms: what are you interested in ... i could read your resume, but you can tell me instead
me: swine
timms: really?
me: i'd like to get experience before i possibly pursue a masters in swine disease research or swine nutrition
timms: really?
me: ya
timms: if you could pick between lab work, farm work or grant writing what would you pick?
me: um, probably none if i have to do them 40 hours/week for the rest of my life
timms: so you like all of them?
me: ya
timms: do you want to meet dr. john patience?
me: sure
timms: ok let's go now

so we went up a floor and walked in to the office. this amazing lady who was the secretary in the office of the prof i worked for a couple years ago was sitting at the desk. how fun!! she was totally like "is this the girl interested in the position?!?!" ya it was fun. so john patience ... he's a new prof working with swine nutrition, looking for an assistant to help him in the lab, on the farm, and potentially with some grants in the future. he's also willing to work with the person to start grad classes in a few years. WHAT?!?! so i chatted with him ... and was like "either this job was created for me or i was created for this job." he was ready to hire, but was taking off for thanksgiving and some business for two weeks. he flies into des moines at 3.30 dec 5th and was even willing to interview me for real as soon as he gets back to ames friday. we decided waiting until monday was just fine ... and then he could get some more details about the position ironed out. hence the title ... part 1 ... monday at 2.30 i have an interview. we'll see what happens ... God is good and will provide either way ... but wouldn't it be cool if he provided in this way??

cookie day

cookie day was great this year. i don't think we made as many cookies, but we had more people than normal. funny how that works. maybe it's because everyone got a big kick out of wii ... even grandpa. it was super great to watch people!! playing wii in the living room even forced dad and grandpa into the kitchen to watch college football on the tiny tv. dad and adam stopped working at noon for lunch (well actually at 2, but close enough) ... i don't think they touched cookie baking, but it made for a relaxing day. sometimes i'm not big on traditions, but this whole getting family together has been amazing lately. so it's fun to laugh and chill and be with people. .... and enjoy life.

and if you want some cookies ... we have a few :)

ok ... tough decision

so i quit my job and i'm moving back to ames ... some people are asking what? why? when? how did that happen?? so i thought i'd try to lay it out here. not as if everyone has to get it or has to agree, but here it is ...
over the past couple months i've been working at mosaic community development in omaha, nebraska as an americorps vista (think peace corp in america). i came into a nonprofit with 6 other people passionate about serving the poor and homeless relationally with the end goal of sharing the gospel and bring holistic healing in people's lives. sounds really great ... is really great, but earlier this year they restructured all their programs ... a good thing, but from my opinion they weren't ready to hire someone for my position. i came on as the grant writer and fund raiser. i didn't know what i was doing, but was slowly learning. the goal would be to raise enough funds that sometime in the future they can pay staff instead of using vistas who are young and inexperienced. the more i got into it, the more i realized maybe this isn't the right place for me. i'm continuing on this journey of learning about emotions and what it means that God gave me passions and desires and made me unique. i started looking back in my past and seeing how i never make decisions based on what i want or what i'm passionate about but rather on what i should do to be a good christian. it's hard to explain because it's been a long journey of living and learning throughout years. maybe i'll just add some journaling i've done in the last couple of days.... (there's a lot and maybe it doesn't all make sense, but i made a decision and hold tightly to the promises that i am deeply loved by God and He will continue to sanctify me no matter where i am or what i do)

why do i want to quit? maybe i don't fit (like God given talents and the way he wired me and who he created me to be and figuring that out ... following my heart ... like the one he's transforming hopefully, not the one that's sinful), too much ambiguity, thinking it was stupid for them to hire me
why don't i want to quit? community (it's already started and i don't want to start over-he gave and he's going to take away and i'm not ready for it), learning new stuff from God (hopefully that will happen anywhere i'm at ... not like a nonprofit or overseas if more holy), pushing through challenging stuff (glory to me not to Him), not being a quiter (reputation), having a good reference (reputation), not looking bad, not saying no to christian, it's hard (but the next could be hard too)

so ........my heart's desire is to quit. trust in the lord and he will give the desires of your heart... is this way out of context?? when else have a felt something this deeply and done it and it was good ... or not done it and it was bad. funny thing is i don't remember many (any) times where my heart's desire was this strong and i actually listened. so manytimes i'm like oh i should do this and try harder and make myself fit into a box and stuff ... and it's always turned out with less joy and more wrestling with duty not delight and prideful thinking wiht oh i should be here because it's holier and stuff like that.

something that unfortunately sounds so disney like .. following your heart. because the whole bob's talk about free will and how i'm free to do good because myheart is changed instead of having a free will to choose good ... i am unable to choose good without the changed heart behind it. i can't force myself to do good. so the deep desires of my heart ... and what it would look like to actually follow them. instead of fight against them "in the name of obedience and doing God's will". what does it look like to lay down self will?? is that more in character and not vocation?? but i feel like it all has to change. but if thinking missions overseas or nonprofits here is better because i'm being more obedient is really going down a wrong prideful path. and everyone can't be overseas ... and everyone can't be in nonprofits or pastor or in college ministry ... thjat would not be the ideal we strive for. so ... is it then ok to "follow your heart's desires" for example ... go into some science field and be a transformed new creation and live missionally at work and in the neighborhood. what about the word intention???

what about being intentional and strategic in life and living missionally??? i feel like these are good things ... i went on a summer training for overseas missions and they kinda "brainwashed" us (if i can use the word) that if you don't go overseas to an unreached people group you are disobeying the bible. they hate individual calling ... and biblically back up how we are all called ... and we should go unless we have a specific call to stay. overseas mission is goood and important, but seems pretty prideful to say i'm obeying the bible better because i'm going overseas or something. that's kinda how lots of things have been in my life ... just figure out what's the best way to obey ... and do it whether you like it or not. obedience is good and right ... that's the tricky part ... but God also made us emotional beings ... which i have pretty much disregarded most of my life.

i've done so many things and never "listened to my heart" (sounds so disney ish) because it's all been more about obedience and trying to figure out everything logically and what's the best. it's always been try harder to be who God wants me to be (some unattainable idealistic person) instead of being who he created me to be. i don't know if that makes any sense ... but i've had the attitude of who really cares what i want because it's about what God wants .... not realizing/believing that God gave me wants and passions and desires. and i don't know what that looks like ... but the whole round peg in a square hole really resonated with me. maybe i'm more free to do what i want ... i don't really know how the whole denying self and not being self centered thing fits with this and all.

twas the night before halloween ....

so this is the pumpkin i picked out from the random ones out on the front step

my very creative face

oops!

much better ...

oh happy pumpkin

joleen with her pumpkin

mazie

dog still without a name

this is tony ... joleen's son ... his turned out way cooler than mine, but can't win them all

so happy pumpkin carving to you all

(and if you know a better way to add pic to this thing you should let me in on the secret)

the dog that greeted me when i got home

so i got home and there was a boston terrier there. no big deal ... my landlady has been talking about getting a dog since before i moved in... just so happened it actually happened when i was in ames. now, you would think since i have an animal science degree and all i would have been the most excited person ever to have a dog live with me and yet not pay for it or have a million responsibilities with it. well, my heart is full of sin ... even when it comes to cute dogs. he is cute and doesn't have a name yet, but then there's the drool and peeing on the carpet and shedding and dog food and dog smell and some pesky thing always wanting attention when i just want to be by myself and all... my initial reaction really made me think. is this the way i look at all relationships? or even my relationship with God? like oh it's dirty and messy and inconvenient ... instead of this is something to love and care for and enjoy spending time with and get emotionally attached to and take long walks with and stuff. what is wrong deep down in my heart when i see a dog as an annoyance instead of companion ... not as if everyone has to love dogs, but i used to. and now i have to be in the "right mood" to love dogs.

so we'll see how this goes ... i pray that God would use this as a teaching experience ... and that i would be teachable and excited for the journey God has me on.

weak and wrong

happens as if i hate to be weak and i hate to be wrong. i love to be known as the farm girl or the rock climber who is strong and can help in whatever situation ... or the person who's strong enough to have it all together in life. i love studying and having the right answers ... in everything ... theology, chemistry, farm life ... okay so i'm far from having all the right answers in politics, but you can't know it all ... :)

reality is ... i am weak and wrong in all aspects of my life. it's quite a painful thing to realize and i have been coming back to it frequently ... i can't free myself from sin, i can't be good, i can't change my desires, or know what i'm doing at work or figure out everything the bible says or how to be a christian (if i did figure it out -which i can't-i wouldn't be able to achieve it), i can't love people, i don't have it all together, i'm far from knowing all the right answers, i do cry and cuss and desire to give up on this whole christian thing or quit work and throw in the towel, i get to the point of life seeming too hard and my solutions of tv, ice cream and sleep never solve anything.

and by the grace of God i must come back to His mercy and love. i am weak and wrong ... but His son dying is the only solution i've got ... so here i am begging for mercy once again. mercy that He would transform me and give me new desires...mercy because this is all so hard for my sinful nature to swallow and i am such a slow learner. praise God for His patience and love and mercy and that He alone has a solution to my problems.

sometimes (way more often that i'd like to admit) i find myself worshiping the law instead of God. but the law doesn't have power to save ... it only has power to show me my sin (and that it does) and my desperate need for Christ to save me. He is the only solution i have ... but it's a hopeful one! and perhaps that's where joy comes in ... this solution has hope - now if only i could remember this for more than a few minutes (good thing there's grace for that too)

relationships

some things lately have made me think a lot about relationships ....

working at a place where everything is centered on building healthy supportive relationships-i go to work and try to get my mind half way wrapped around this concept of affronting relational, emotional, and material poverty through building relationships with people who will walk through life with them ... all quite thought provoking

moving in a place away from all close relationships i've had-there's a void that hasn't been like "oh i'll see you after the break or when i get back, etc"... when i came to college i didn't value relationships at all ... i was to full of fear of failure so after leaving high school it wasn't really good bye

spending more time looking at facebook pics of people i know and love ... oh too much free time can be crazy-i can look back and see how God has grown me and how people have intersected my life and how i have intersected theirs ... makes me want to speed the process of relationship building here

earlier this week i had this deep feeling ... it's a feeling i've felt before, but not recently ... homesickness-it was a deep longing to see my parents and my grandparents and my aunts ...people i know and love and people i who know and love me and people i want to know and love more



so it's good to know God is changing me ... and even better to know He's not stopping placing people in my life...i look forward to seeing relationships unfold in my life. each one is different and unique and a gift from God

prayer and temperament

our staff is looking at this book about prayer and temperament ... they are pretty big on myers-briggs personality tests. so anyway ... this book talks about how different personality types connect with God in prayer differently. i kinda came in late to the discussion since they started it before i started working at MCD, but it was interesting to learn about. so often in the christian life i look at "really good christians" and think they've got it all figured out ... but when i try to mimic them it doesn't turn out the way i hoped and dreamed. we are all individual and unique ... and so are our relationships with God. so you should all google prayer and temperament ... and smile when you see i'm thomistic because i'm pretty sure im an intj.

ive been thinking about some interesting things about faith too, but it's really jumbled in my head now so you will have to wait for a later blog on that ... :)

good thing He is faithful when i am not

i was walking home from the ymca to see if i can get some financial aid to assist my purchasing of a membership when a guy drew me in for a yard sale. i met ricky and samantha. i was excited to tell him he had the same name as my dad ... and he thought we could be next to kin because of it. the family resemblance was just amazing ... other than my whiteness. i really liked them ... even though it was a short conversation. i noticed his shirt though ... which i never really do. it had something about y2k and jesus. instantly i was curious ... does he really believe jesus or did he just get this cheap shirt somewhere? what does he know of jesus? but .................... i just went on talking about lameo stuff...shallow and surfacey. what causes that? what fear do i have? he offered to walk me home and bjo would be proud that i turned him down. as i was walking home i began to pray and beg God that i would see them again and be able to talk to them. today joleen came into my room and asked me to pray for some stuff. it kinda shocked me that she would ask me to pray, but it was kinda cool too. in church today i wrote on the side of my sermon notes "i suck at living missionally." the good news is ... He loves me and has grace for me and is transforming me and His kingdom will come whether i "mess it up" or not. as He teaches me more about the beauty of the gospel and the goodness of the good news i am understanding this whole thing about sharing it a little bit more.

sanctification is truly by grace alone

ideas are flying, so much for sleep ... i imagine myself as a small child. my parent gets me all dressed and cleaned up and the moment i walk out the door i fall and scrape my knee and get my nice clean outfit all dirty. He doesn't get mad ... He picks me up and washes me off. It feels good to be rid of all the dirt, but the little pieces of dirt and pebbles stuck in my knee hurt as He takes them out ... and it stings as He washes the wounds...and healing takes time. but it's all out of love. He'll patiently take care of everything ... even if it has to hurt a little ... even if i fall again ... even if i fight Him because it hurts

some things seem so elementary ... and yet i can have joy that He is teaching me at all. no matter when it happens ... and i can be assured that it's not by my own knowledge and study skills, but by God transforming my heart and mind, that i am understanding little by little this gospel that i probably will never fully comprehend until i see Him face to face.

when they say Jesus is the only way .... they mean it

an amazing thing just happened... my mind was racing and sin was consuming me and wearing me out and overwhelming me ... and i was like how do i make it stop!?!? ... just believe already! and by God's grace i started choosing to believe truth. truth that he washes me clean. totally clean. and there's no other way ... but oh how great and beautiful it is that he washes me clean. i pictured Jesus washing my feet (i don't know why i just did)...and thinking oh how i don't deserve this but thank you so much. ususally the "oh i don't deserve it" is so overpowering that i miss the "oh thank you so much." i tasted joy. thank you for the gospel. thank you that sin doesn't have to hold me down. what joy is found at the foot of the cross! ... but not just me sitting there weeping .. but having Jesus with me, saving me, cleansing me, assuring me there is nothing to worry about and i am still loved ... and that i have nothing to prove. i don't have to prove i can cook ... so it's okay to bring sandwiches to mc. i don't have to prove i have it all figured out cuz i don't have it figured out (and no one else does either), but God does. there's only one way to escape condemnation! so why keep fighting? instead of drink it up? oh i want to taste the beauty of the gospel again and again.

what's the real problem?

In church we’ve been talking about objections to Christianity. The first week we talked about oppression and injustice and how some people think Christianity has been a vehicle to oppression and injustice. The thing is Christianity has (slavery, crusades, etc) but the problem isn’t with Christianity … the problem is with humanity. This becomes clearer when we look at other worldviews. The second week we looked at how many people think we can’t take the bible literally. Here again the problem is with humanity … not the bible. Some people are relying on their own authority … others get their info from a source that’s bigger than themselves….God. So then we come to my life …
I’m not super excited about my job right now. I sure wasn’t excited about Omaha at first … even though it’s getting better there are still many days I’d like to either shut the door to my room and cry or get in my car and drive home. How I long for comfort and ease … and knowing what I should do and how I should spend my days. But the problem isn’t with Omaha or the people here … the problem isn’t even with my job…. The problem is my heart. Bjo kindly reminded me about heart idols of control and comfort and approval … and something else I don’t remember but probably have that one too. A small part of me was excited that God was pushing some of this to the surface … but the rest of me still doesn’t like my job … and still doesn’t like not fitting in … and still doesn’t like not having everything all figured out. And the thing is I am not guaranteed to ever like my job (I keep slapping the word yet on the end of all my sentences, but who knows right?) or Omaha … I’m not guaranteed to have a life that’s easy or comfortable or have everything under control. I’m still called to work hard … for His glory. I’m still called to fight to believe truth and hold tight to trusting in Him. Oh how ugly my heart is and how a transition makes the ugliness so much clearer. Now here I am once again … begging for mercy from the only One who can save me from my sins … Jesus

MDC

I thought i would share some pics of where i work with you all :) If you are ever in the neighborhood come say hi!!

the feelings of missing people and of gratitude and love ...

i've been looking at pictures and seeing people ... not just as people .. but like more than that because there's relationship and time invested and lives shared ... and growth and hard times and fun times ... pics of friends and pics of me ... pics of people who have intersected my life in the past four years. there's something about this whole relationship thing ... i have so much to learn but i think working at Mosaic can't hurt the process. i'm not in love with this job yet ... or this city ... but looking back on how God has moved in the past gives me hope for the future

poverty

so i took a walk ... i love walks but find myself taking more walks than normal because i don't really know what to do with myself in omaha yet. but as i was walking around my neighborhood and up to the ymca i walk by the south omaha projects which is low income housing. pretty much my whole neighborhood screams low income. there's a huge diversity of people (if i look deep down i don't even like diversity ... i like to be with things that are familiar and comfortable)... i don't even know where they're all from. while walking i was thinking about how badly i want to fit. fit in omaha, fit at my job, fit in my neighborhood, fit at my church, etc. it made me think ... do i want to fit because it will be more comfortable for me? or do i want to fit because it to build relationships and love these people? and oh how i just long to be somewhere more comfortable for me. i'm even running away to my home (for only part of the weekend :)) to be in a more comfortable place. i go to work at a place called mosaic community development. ... they work with community development in a christian, love jesus, kinda way. but really i have no idea what that really means. as i was walking my natural reaction was "oh i should pray" ... so i was like God i pray for these people. i pray that ... ya totally speechless. like i don't even know what to pray. i believe that our prayers reflect our theology. i don't know if its possible that i have no theology on the issues i am faced with in a city and at MCD, but i sure feel like i have little to say about these complex and real issues. so many college students label themselves "poor college students" ... if i have ever claimed that label i was so wrong. it's just no comparision. even now as an americorps vista earning little over the poverty threshold...i am still rich. i don't have generations and generations of history living in poverty. i have a college education and could get a ton of different jobs if i wanted. the only reason i'm not making a lot of money now is because i choose it. i picked the job. i knew it was coming ... and in reality my parents still pay for my phone and some gas and some food and clothes, etc. spoiled brat or blessed i'm not sure. what an interesting year this will be ... there is room for great growth! for God to open my eyes and change my heart. i have little to teach and much to learn here.

MCD ... ya that's where i work now

so day three of work has come and gone. it seems like i've been there a long time (that's just how long the days have been) but when i just typed the word three it was kind of shocking. like a reality check or something that even though i feel so defeated ... and/or aimless in my task ... it's really only been three days. it's been good but hard ... perhaps like so much of life. i'm beginning to see what they do and why they do it and how i'm going to fit into it. currently they are starting up a couple main programs so everything is changing. part of me is like man on man why do i have to come into this when no one knows what they are doing ... but the other part of me is like ... wow we are all just fumbling around trying to love God and love people the best we know how. everything's new for me .... i don't know what i'm doing signing up to be a grant writer, living and driving in omaha, grocery shopping, living on a tight budget, making friends, pretty much communicating with people at all, trying to dress myself every morning to go to work, working 9-5, not living on campus or with people i know ... ya pretty much all of it-turned upside down. but i must remind myself over and over again that life is a process, a journey, and that's not bad... it's actually quite good and should be enjoyable. what an adventure of finding out more about who God is and who i am and how to love people and function day to day. i'm entering this year wobbling between scared out of my mind and so excited for what God is going to do. it's going to be good ... and hard ... but good.

oh and if you want to know more about Mosaic Community Development ... i'd be glad to chat :) especially as i continue to learn more

day 2

day 2 in omaha . . . i made it to church (check it out at cdomaha.com) and found some people who invited me to a small group so i went. once again ... only one wrong turn before i made it there, but i did make it home alright :). it's always interesting going to a new or different church ... well, because they do things different than i'm used to. it was good though. they are on this series about renewal ... which is weird for me to have topical sermons instead of oh this is the word ... but the last series they did was on mark so perhaps there's a variety. today we talked about repenting (the whole turning from sin thing)... why and how and for what and that stuff. one thing that stuck out was we don't have to repent from temptation, despair, or guilt (the false guilt that people do to manipulate you). then at 1 i went with joleen to a baby shower for our neighbor. needless to say i've been meeting lots of new people already. perhaps it's time for a nap ... then figuring out the bus schedule before i go to work tomorrow morning.

the adventure begins ... or continues really

here's my new home ... after dropping bjo off at the airport i only took one wrong turn getting there the first time by myself. when i arrived joleen (the lady i'm living with) took me on a tour of the town. we were planning on ending up at Mosaic for a concert, but evidently the website was wrong or something because we missed it. instead we went out to eat at the bohemian restaurant on 13th street. i ate some crazy stuff with dumblings and joleen and i shared a beer and a bunch of rye bread. then i organized my room and we stuck in a movie ... city of joy. her grandson came to chill with us for awhile, he's about one and wasn't too happy to be here. it is amazing to see the pain on her face when he isn't happy and the joy on her face when he's happy. i'm off to a church tomorrow i've been waiting to check out for a long time so i'm pretty excited. then i start working at Mosaic monday morning!

freedom, forgiveness, healing

last night at girls' devo this woman named Rachel spoke a bit about being open and vulnerable. one thing she said really hit me ... confessing to God is enough, but confessing to sisters in Christ gives us freedom, forgiveness, and healing (like confessing to God probably gives us those things too, but you know). and i was thinking ... freedom, forgiveness, and healing are things that make this following Jesus thing worth it! and a blog or two ago i was writing about what makes following Jesus worth it and i was like knowing Jesus. so i don't think it's like pursue freedom and forgiveness and healing instead of knowing God ... i think it's more like those things are part of knowing God

do i know Him as one who gives freedom?
as one who forgives?
as one who heals?
protects?
provides?
accepts?
loves unconditionally?
is full of mercy and grace?
is all wise?
who wants the best for me?
that He's trustworthy?
and worthy of praise?

like do i know about these things ... or do i know them as the character of God my Father which changes the way i live my life daily? and this my friends is when it starts to become a little clearer why this whole following Jesus thing is worth it. oh how little i really know Jesus

This stuff was on the website for the church i plan to attend in Omaha and I got stoked so I thought I would share ...

GOD
God is primary.

GOSPEL
The gospel changes everything.

MISSION
The church exists for mission, not comfort.

CULTURE
The church must engage culture, not avoid it.

SPIRIT
Structure must always submit to Spirit

is knowing God enough?

so here i am at camp ... and it's high school week so there's this speaker named Zane. he's talked a lot about when we have Jesus we don't just have eternal life after death (even though that is quite cool indeed), but we also have life abundant here on earth. this is a topic i've been thinking about for a long time ... but what does life abundant really mean? what am i waiting around for? or searching for? i've thought of it a lot in piper's words ... God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. but how do we become more and more satisfied in Him? ... and Him alone? a girl in my small group asked us how do we get to a place where we are always trusting in God and never get distant from Him? interesting question ... i think it's easy to fall into that thinking that someday we will wake up and bam! we have arrived at this glorious place where we are so close to God we will never be distant or doubt Him again. sometimes i still think that ... or desire that to be true. but i'm not sure that's how it works. will life as a believer ever be easy? or will it even be natural to love and serve God and be full of joy that we just know Him? where i am right here and right now it seems that it will always be a battle where dependence on Him and getting showered with mercy are necessary. the gospel will always be just as relevant today as it was the day i first believed. so if it doesn't get easier or "better" the question that all too frequently races around my head is ... what's so abundant about this following Jesus thing anyway? what's so great that makes it worth it? and one line that Zane used a ton last night was "is knowing God enough?" because what makes this following Jesus thing abundant? what makes living with Jesus life to the full? the answer Zane argued: knowing God. and maybe why i am wrestling with this so much is because knowing God isn't enough. i walk around trying so desperately to find joy in other things (i hate how sin is so full of pleasure). how ugly is not believing Jesus is enough? and the bummer of it all is i'm not the only one ... check out the OT.

am i depending on my own strength and knowledge ... or is knowing God enough to praise Him and love Him and stand in awe of Him and loose my life for Him and depend on His strength and infinite wisdom?
do i wait until the circumstance i'm in suits my expectations ... or is knowing God enough to trust He has all things under control and does all things for a reason?
do i have to wait until He gives me emotions like joy or love ... or is knowing God enough?
do i need to see Him work through me ... or is knowing Him enough?
do i wait for praise of people ... or is knowing Him enough?
do i have to be healthy ... or is knowing Him enough?
does He have to reveal Himself to me in a certain way .. or is He enough in Himself?

is my desire for joy and happiness and ease deeper than my desire to know Him?

to think that God would be worthy of my life and all praise even if He didn't DO anything ... even if there was no Jesus and no cross ... He would be worthy just because of who He is.

i pray that the truth that God is enough would become so clear that i couldn't deny it ... and that my life would change because i deeply believe that Jesus is way more than enough.

Legalism vs. Belief

lately i've been thinking a lot about what it means to believe something. we throw around the word believe so many times ... but if i think hard about it i rarely believe what i say i belief. i think we can tell what are beliefs are by our actions. like, if i say "i believe praying is good" i don't really believe praying is good until i actually pray. this morning i got up and totally didn't want to read the Bible (happens way too often). i think it's good to do the right thing even if my motives are wrong. perhaps because it's better to do the right thing with the wrong motives instead of doing the wrong thing. but where does legalism come in? am i reading the word because i know it's good (i BELIEVE it's good and healthy for true saints to daily be in the word) ... do i do it because it's my belief or do i do it because "that's what i must do to be a 'good christian'?" so if i miss a day ... my value isn't any less ... but perhaps i'm missing out on blessings God wants to give me. i think about the sermon series on the sermon on the mount that cornerstone did awhile ago ... and it amazed me how many times Jesus would say "it is better for you ..." or He would talk about rewards He desires to give us. so i long to not only read the word, but to have the right motives when reading the word ... and that is my prayer.

nowhere to run, nowhere to turn

sometimes i think life is hard ... and for some reason i forgot that the bible said i will suffer once i became a believer. and that gets me thinking why in the world is this whole deal about following Jesus really worth it? like, there has to be something i'm missing. piper talks about delighting in God and how God is most glorified when i am most satisfied in Him. but this delight, this joy, this satisfaction must be deeper than being happy with circumstances ... if we are supposed to have joy in trials and all. i think about my life and the lives of my friends and how we are all trying to love God but we don't really know what we are doing and often get stuck in a place with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. i've tried many things ... seeking advice from someone who is older so "they should have it all figured out," studying my brains out and trying to figure out a way to fix my own problems, sweeping it under the rug and hoping no one will notice, beating myself up and trying harder ... but yesterday in the midst of some sisters in Christ ... we began to pray. we didn't pray because we thought it was more holy than other things or anything like that. we decided to pray because there was no other option. praying is probably not supposed to be the last resort, but it sure is a good thing our God is full of grace and patience. i'm not saying that some of the other things i listed are all bad all the time, but to discover more and more God's deep love for us (even in painful sanctification) gives me a glimpse of hope and a taste of that deep satisfaction in Him alone.

I cry out
For Your hand of mercy to heal me
I am weak
I need Your love to free me
Oh Lord, my rock
My strength in weakness,
Come rescue me, oh Lord
You are my hope,
Your promise never fails me
And my desire
Is to follow You forever.
For You are good
For You are good
For You are good to me.

nothing to prove

funny thing about home ... the "extra introvert" seems to be not so introverted after all. my parents had a meeting and i just had a couple hours to chill ... by myself ... what do i do? i don't really remember this being such a problem in the past, but lately it has been. i'm seeing how i don't make decisions on my own ... but i'm learning a lot about just living and being who i really am. i remember going to a retreat once when the speaker repeated over and over again ... "the biggest freedom is knowing you have nothing to prove." perhaps i'm on a slow journey of finding that freedom ... and learning i can just be me. God created me to be Amanda Lynn Chipman for a reason and He uses all things ... every detail ... in my life to shape and mold me and transform me to be more like His son. i have nothing to prove.

another interesting thought of the day ... i was watering some plants with a milk jug and it hit me that if i wanted to i could drink this ... and really the 4-5 gallons i used would quench my thirst for a long time ... but some people can't. people in china and myanmar and tons of other countries can't. i just dumped it out on some plants to make the yard look pretty or something ... but they need it for survival. funny how things that seem so old hat can all at once hit me in a new way.

Here we go ...

today i started packing ... and it makes me think about all God has done in my life the last four years i've been at ISU. it hasn't quite hit me i'm graduating yet, but perhaps that will come. i feel like a totally different person than i was when i moved into Eaton as a scared little freshman. i guess that's what's meant by becoming a new creation and being transformed into the likeness of Christ. sanctification ... that's definitely the most valuable thing i've gained from college ... a more accurate view of Christ and by His grace, being molded to be more like Him.

so happens as if i'm not so good at this blogging thing yet ... perhaps it will come with practice ... i gotta start somewhere huh? well, if you have any ideas of how to get a double loft apart and to Nevada, let me know :)