perfection

perfection ... is a word i wrestle with and come back to over and over again. God wants total obedience in every commandment with all my heart, soul, mind, actions, emotions, words, ... and yet romans 3 says we all fall short. so maybe the end goal is still total obedience ... but the means is different than trying harder ... maybe it's having our hearts be transformed and become the kind of person who actually obeys from the heart. (http://www.cdomaha.com/resources_list.php?catid=2)

or maybe it's that perfection isn't absolute http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2005/1307_Imperfect_Love_Fulfills_the_Law_and_Pleases_the_PerfectionDemanding_God/ AND http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/1995/4282_Doing_Well_and_Doing_Better/ )

i'm just not sure ... because i'm supposed to have grace and love and hope for change under the gospel (i mean Jesus didn't die for nothing) ... and i guess i have grace and love and hope for change when i fail at having grace for myself or when i respond poorly to my mistakes or when i beat myself up for what i've done wrong. sometimes i think it would just be better if i got it right the first time. but since i know it won't be that way i wish i could be okay with me making mistakes .... and i wish i could realize that that's just how life goes. it just always boggles my mind. i get so dissatisfied with certain things i do or how i respond in situations ... but at this rate will i ever be satisfied? is it good and right to be satisfied with where i'm at and who i am becoming? we are still supposed to kill sin and be distinct from the world. why have divorce rates be the same inside the church as outside? why are nonbelievers often more open and honest? oh the double edged sword of dissatisfaction!

any thoughts ...