poverty

so i took a walk ... i love walks but find myself taking more walks than normal because i don't really know what to do with myself in omaha yet. but as i was walking around my neighborhood and up to the ymca i walk by the south omaha projects which is low income housing. pretty much my whole neighborhood screams low income. there's a huge diversity of people (if i look deep down i don't even like diversity ... i like to be with things that are familiar and comfortable)... i don't even know where they're all from. while walking i was thinking about how badly i want to fit. fit in omaha, fit at my job, fit in my neighborhood, fit at my church, etc. it made me think ... do i want to fit because it will be more comfortable for me? or do i want to fit because it to build relationships and love these people? and oh how i just long to be somewhere more comfortable for me. i'm even running away to my home (for only part of the weekend :)) to be in a more comfortable place. i go to work at a place called mosaic community development. ... they work with community development in a christian, love jesus, kinda way. but really i have no idea what that really means. as i was walking my natural reaction was "oh i should pray" ... so i was like God i pray for these people. i pray that ... ya totally speechless. like i don't even know what to pray. i believe that our prayers reflect our theology. i don't know if its possible that i have no theology on the issues i am faced with in a city and at MCD, but i sure feel like i have little to say about these complex and real issues. so many college students label themselves "poor college students" ... if i have ever claimed that label i was so wrong. it's just no comparision. even now as an americorps vista earning little over the poverty threshold...i am still rich. i don't have generations and generations of history living in poverty. i have a college education and could get a ton of different jobs if i wanted. the only reason i'm not making a lot of money now is because i choose it. i picked the job. i knew it was coming ... and in reality my parents still pay for my phone and some gas and some food and clothes, etc. spoiled brat or blessed i'm not sure. what an interesting year this will be ... there is room for great growth! for God to open my eyes and change my heart. i have little to teach and much to learn here.

MCD ... ya that's where i work now

so day three of work has come and gone. it seems like i've been there a long time (that's just how long the days have been) but when i just typed the word three it was kind of shocking. like a reality check or something that even though i feel so defeated ... and/or aimless in my task ... it's really only been three days. it's been good but hard ... perhaps like so much of life. i'm beginning to see what they do and why they do it and how i'm going to fit into it. currently they are starting up a couple main programs so everything is changing. part of me is like man on man why do i have to come into this when no one knows what they are doing ... but the other part of me is like ... wow we are all just fumbling around trying to love God and love people the best we know how. everything's new for me .... i don't know what i'm doing signing up to be a grant writer, living and driving in omaha, grocery shopping, living on a tight budget, making friends, pretty much communicating with people at all, trying to dress myself every morning to go to work, working 9-5, not living on campus or with people i know ... ya pretty much all of it-turned upside down. but i must remind myself over and over again that life is a process, a journey, and that's not bad... it's actually quite good and should be enjoyable. what an adventure of finding out more about who God is and who i am and how to love people and function day to day. i'm entering this year wobbling between scared out of my mind and so excited for what God is going to do. it's going to be good ... and hard ... but good.

oh and if you want to know more about Mosaic Community Development ... i'd be glad to chat :) especially as i continue to learn more

day 2

day 2 in omaha . . . i made it to church (check it out at cdomaha.com) and found some people who invited me to a small group so i went. once again ... only one wrong turn before i made it there, but i did make it home alright :). it's always interesting going to a new or different church ... well, because they do things different than i'm used to. it was good though. they are on this series about renewal ... which is weird for me to have topical sermons instead of oh this is the word ... but the last series they did was on mark so perhaps there's a variety. today we talked about repenting (the whole turning from sin thing)... why and how and for what and that stuff. one thing that stuck out was we don't have to repent from temptation, despair, or guilt (the false guilt that people do to manipulate you). then at 1 i went with joleen to a baby shower for our neighbor. needless to say i've been meeting lots of new people already. perhaps it's time for a nap ... then figuring out the bus schedule before i go to work tomorrow morning.

the adventure begins ... or continues really

here's my new home ... after dropping bjo off at the airport i only took one wrong turn getting there the first time by myself. when i arrived joleen (the lady i'm living with) took me on a tour of the town. we were planning on ending up at Mosaic for a concert, but evidently the website was wrong or something because we missed it. instead we went out to eat at the bohemian restaurant on 13th street. i ate some crazy stuff with dumblings and joleen and i shared a beer and a bunch of rye bread. then i organized my room and we stuck in a movie ... city of joy. her grandson came to chill with us for awhile, he's about one and wasn't too happy to be here. it is amazing to see the pain on her face when he isn't happy and the joy on her face when he's happy. i'm off to a church tomorrow i've been waiting to check out for a long time so i'm pretty excited. then i start working at Mosaic monday morning!

freedom, forgiveness, healing

last night at girls' devo this woman named Rachel spoke a bit about being open and vulnerable. one thing she said really hit me ... confessing to God is enough, but confessing to sisters in Christ gives us freedom, forgiveness, and healing (like confessing to God probably gives us those things too, but you know). and i was thinking ... freedom, forgiveness, and healing are things that make this following Jesus thing worth it! and a blog or two ago i was writing about what makes following Jesus worth it and i was like knowing Jesus. so i don't think it's like pursue freedom and forgiveness and healing instead of knowing God ... i think it's more like those things are part of knowing God

do i know Him as one who gives freedom?
as one who forgives?
as one who heals?
protects?
provides?
accepts?
loves unconditionally?
is full of mercy and grace?
is all wise?
who wants the best for me?
that He's trustworthy?
and worthy of praise?

like do i know about these things ... or do i know them as the character of God my Father which changes the way i live my life daily? and this my friends is when it starts to become a little clearer why this whole following Jesus thing is worth it. oh how little i really know Jesus

This stuff was on the website for the church i plan to attend in Omaha and I got stoked so I thought I would share ...

GOD
God is primary.

GOSPEL
The gospel changes everything.

MISSION
The church exists for mission, not comfort.

CULTURE
The church must engage culture, not avoid it.

SPIRIT
Structure must always submit to Spirit

is knowing God enough?

so here i am at camp ... and it's high school week so there's this speaker named Zane. he's talked a lot about when we have Jesus we don't just have eternal life after death (even though that is quite cool indeed), but we also have life abundant here on earth. this is a topic i've been thinking about for a long time ... but what does life abundant really mean? what am i waiting around for? or searching for? i've thought of it a lot in piper's words ... God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him. but how do we become more and more satisfied in Him? ... and Him alone? a girl in my small group asked us how do we get to a place where we are always trusting in God and never get distant from Him? interesting question ... i think it's easy to fall into that thinking that someday we will wake up and bam! we have arrived at this glorious place where we are so close to God we will never be distant or doubt Him again. sometimes i still think that ... or desire that to be true. but i'm not sure that's how it works. will life as a believer ever be easy? or will it even be natural to love and serve God and be full of joy that we just know Him? where i am right here and right now it seems that it will always be a battle where dependence on Him and getting showered with mercy are necessary. the gospel will always be just as relevant today as it was the day i first believed. so if it doesn't get easier or "better" the question that all too frequently races around my head is ... what's so abundant about this following Jesus thing anyway? what's so great that makes it worth it? and one line that Zane used a ton last night was "is knowing God enough?" because what makes this following Jesus thing abundant? what makes living with Jesus life to the full? the answer Zane argued: knowing God. and maybe why i am wrestling with this so much is because knowing God isn't enough. i walk around trying so desperately to find joy in other things (i hate how sin is so full of pleasure). how ugly is not believing Jesus is enough? and the bummer of it all is i'm not the only one ... check out the OT.

am i depending on my own strength and knowledge ... or is knowing God enough to praise Him and love Him and stand in awe of Him and loose my life for Him and depend on His strength and infinite wisdom?
do i wait until the circumstance i'm in suits my expectations ... or is knowing God enough to trust He has all things under control and does all things for a reason?
do i have to wait until He gives me emotions like joy or love ... or is knowing God enough?
do i need to see Him work through me ... or is knowing Him enough?
do i wait for praise of people ... or is knowing Him enough?
do i have to be healthy ... or is knowing Him enough?
does He have to reveal Himself to me in a certain way .. or is He enough in Himself?

is my desire for joy and happiness and ease deeper than my desire to know Him?

to think that God would be worthy of my life and all praise even if He didn't DO anything ... even if there was no Jesus and no cross ... He would be worthy just because of who He is.

i pray that the truth that God is enough would become so clear that i couldn't deny it ... and that my life would change because i deeply believe that Jesus is way more than enough.