weak and wrong

happens as if i hate to be weak and i hate to be wrong. i love to be known as the farm girl or the rock climber who is strong and can help in whatever situation ... or the person who's strong enough to have it all together in life. i love studying and having the right answers ... in everything ... theology, chemistry, farm life ... okay so i'm far from having all the right answers in politics, but you can't know it all ... :)

reality is ... i am weak and wrong in all aspects of my life. it's quite a painful thing to realize and i have been coming back to it frequently ... i can't free myself from sin, i can't be good, i can't change my desires, or know what i'm doing at work or figure out everything the bible says or how to be a christian (if i did figure it out -which i can't-i wouldn't be able to achieve it), i can't love people, i don't have it all together, i'm far from knowing all the right answers, i do cry and cuss and desire to give up on this whole christian thing or quit work and throw in the towel, i get to the point of life seeming too hard and my solutions of tv, ice cream and sleep never solve anything.

and by the grace of God i must come back to His mercy and love. i am weak and wrong ... but His son dying is the only solution i've got ... so here i am begging for mercy once again. mercy that He would transform me and give me new desires...mercy because this is all so hard for my sinful nature to swallow and i am such a slow learner. praise God for His patience and love and mercy and that He alone has a solution to my problems.

sometimes (way more often that i'd like to admit) i find myself worshiping the law instead of God. but the law doesn't have power to save ... it only has power to show me my sin (and that it does) and my desperate need for Christ to save me. He is the only solution i have ... but it's a hopeful one! and perhaps that's where joy comes in ... this solution has hope - now if only i could remember this for more than a few minutes (good thing there's grace for that too)