it's been an interesting few days. i've had some deep longings that have actually brought me to a place of many tears and of great joy. joy is something that i have desired and with much energy tried to figure out how it works and how i can get it for well over 3 years with the conclusion that i can't just try harder to get it. (once again i am reminded that sanctification is by grace alone, freely given, undeserved) there have been short periods where i've tasted it ... and yesterday and today have been one of those beautiful periods. and these short times in the midst of a not-so-easy time in life reminds me that God's grace is much more beautiful then i ever knew and the pain is worth it. the pain it takes to transform me into the daughter of christ that i am. the pain it takes to rip idols and sins from my life. the pain of entering into a new stage of life and leaving behind another. the pain of relationships. the pain of waiting 2 months of being unemployed. the pain of living in a fallen world and being a sinner myself.
deep longings of my soul ....
for God to open my lips to praise Him once again
to love deep thought provoking conversations
to wake up in the morning and have God be the first thing on my mind because He truly is the lover of my soul
to be excited over things my friends are excited about
to be involved in a community pursuing hard after christ
to have great joy in knowing God which glorifies Him
to love and have passion
to find great delight in digging the word as i used to
to (even as i am honest about my current feelings) have my emotions be transformed to align with the emotions of jesus and the people of the psalms and the rest of the bible
to no longer battle with depression (how long oh Lord?)... and yet praise Him even if it lasts the rest of my life
the fact i don't have these things isn't fun ...but the reason i have joy is that i know that these deep longings are only produced from a transformed heart. and a transformed heart is only produced by God himself ... and therfore God has begun a work in me and has promised to continue.
i can't make myself have joy (or any longing of my heart either) ... no matter how badly i want it. but following Christ has to be less about me trying harder and more about me surrendering to God. less about me and more about Him. less about me earning love and rigtheousness and more about His mercy and grace and love and the cross-a demonstration of His love and the only way for sinners to have righteousness.
all glory and praise to my lord and savior... who saved me and continues to save me daily
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